Day 90, 100 Happy Days: A Surprise Big Little Gift

I walked into my studio today to find a little black pouch and a note. Inside the pouch was a bobby-pin with my name on it. Well... my nick-name.

First of all, how awesome is it to get a surprise gift? And it's kind of exciting to get to have something with my name on it (people with unusual names might relate to that). But it so happens that this little gift had big meaning (unbeknownst by the gift giver).

Tab is short for Tabetha, and mostly my family and old friends call me Tab. I hadn't realized how I had gotten used to not hearing it until a couple of weeks ago. I was in the back room of my studio, and the person who was there with me (not family or old friend), called from the front of the studio "Hey, Tab?" And suddenly I burst into tears. 

In recent years, my connection to Tab was my mom. We lived together, and when you live with someone, I think you're more likely to hear your name. I live alone, work (mainly) alone, and I rarely talk on the phone. So I may see Tab in texts and emails, but it's different than hearing it. Hearing the familiar version of my name was great that day, but it made me realize how much I missed hearing it, and how many of the people who called me that are gone.

So, this little bobby pin is a reminder that the people who call me Tab are not dwindling, as I previously thought. They are growing. I have once new friends who are now becoming old friends, and that makes me happy.

Day 59, 100 Happy Days: Guinness and Blood On The Tracks

Tonight I discovered that some wonderful person had left me a Guinness in my studio fridge!
So I took a break from putting my studio back together (after the big wall and floor painting project), put my feet up, and had an ice cold can of Guinness.

On the stereo was one of my favorite Bob Dylan albums: Blood on the Tracks.

Happiness.
 
Here is one of my favorite songs from that album...

Day 27, 100 Happy Days: Video of My Mom

My mom, August 2012

Tonight I decided to clean up my iPhoto library. I take hundreds of photos each month - pics of classes, things I want to paint, or post to Facebook, or just find interesting. I'm kind of a photo hoarder, really. Most of them go into iPhoto and never come out.

So tonight I just went into random albums to sort what I wanted to keep into folders, and delete the rest. I was mainly doing this with pictures of my classes, but I kept coming across pictures of my mom.
I decided that it was time to sort them.

It's kind of a hard thing to do. A bit like walking down memory lane, but the pictures were divided into two categories: before and after she got sick. Which really makes no difference to me; I thought she was beautiful no matter what. And although she probably wouldn't want me keeping the photos of her when she was sick, I am. There are some amazing memories there. Of course I would prefer that she never got sick, but I wouldn't trade the last eight months of her life. Her being sick brought us closer together.

Anyway, deleting pictures is not an easy thing to do - not of someone who is not around anymore. But I cam across a particularly bad picture and was about to delete it when I noticed a little camera icon on it. A movie!! Six minutes and fifty-four seconds of my mother being animated. What a find!* Of course I was hoping it was some message for me, but I knew better. It was typical Linda: sitting at her desk in her pj's talking about a dream she had and eating a ham sandwich. Pretty funny stuff. I felt like I was sitting across the table from her again.

What makes it all the more interesting is that yesterday - for the first time since she died - I bought some ham at the deli. She loved a particular kind and I spent time thinking about her and trying to find just the right one. Then today I made a ham sandwich and thought of her and how much she loved her ham sandwiches... so of course she was eating one in this video!

So happy to see my mom in action rather than still photos.

*After she died I downloaded all the stuff from her iPhone. I thought I had looked at everything, but I guess not.

Happiness Project Day 80: A Note From Beyond - Advice From My Mom

An unexpected note from my mom.

If you read yesterday's post, you know that I spent last night sorting through some of my mom's stuff, and settling more into my apartment, and really, into my new life. (After losing my mom in August of last year.)

In the process I found three important things:

1) My mom's Om ring. Fits my finger perfectly, and I plan on wearing it just like I've been wearing my sister's prayer wheel ring for the last 18 years.

2) A bracelet with my mom's name "Linda" inscribed on the front, and on the back "Danny 12/25/63".
(A year ago she told me how Danny was the love of her life. Danny was not my father, and the bracelet was received three years before I arrived in the world.)
I can't help but think that the bracelet must have meant a lot to her at some point. So, I'm wearing that, too.

3) Most importantly, I found a notebook with journal entries - notes - to me. She wrote it several years ago, and it was clearly to be read after her death. She starts out with:

"Every so often, I start thinking about my mortality... and you." 

She talks about things she wishes she would have done better, and also what she wants for me.

..."Most of all I want you to find happiness, to feel good about yourself, and enjoy every moment of life. I wish you love - in the highest form, always."

And she offered some really great advice:

..."Don't spend too much time looking back. Enjoy the present moment - get into the moment (that is Nirvana, Samadhi - true Cosmic Consciousnesses) and live it. No time for sadness."

My mom's om ring next to my sister's prayer wheel ring.

I actually think I'm doing a pretty good job of living her advice. It makes me feel like I'm on the right track. There are several pages of notes that she wrote over the course of a few days. She offered advice (in the form of "if I had it to do all over again") on health, which I'm taking to heart. But that's another blog entry entirely.

For now, my point is this: I found the jewelry and read my mom's notes right before bed last night. It was highly emotional to read, but I read it with more joy than sadness.
I woke up this morning happy and content; fully rested and ready for my day after 5 hours of sleep. My head was clear and I felt peace of mind. Upon awakening I had - and still have - my mom's jewelry on as a reminder of her, and her wonderful words to me. These are words to live by, and this is my happiness for today.

Happiness Project Day 79: Finding My Mom's Only Pinterst Pin, and Settling In

My mom's only pin, complete with her picture and a description that I hope was written by her. I'm sure the first sentence was "Incredible colors!" was a very Linda phrase.

I've got an email blast waiting to be created, sign-in sheets that need to be entered into my database, and a website that needs overhauled. But instead, I've decided to take the evening off and do something for me: work on my environment.

My apartment has been pretty much a wreck since I moved here in September. It was a really fast move after my mother's passing. I had to get rid of five tons of stuff, and consolidate what I was keeping, which included a lot of my mom's stuff that needed to be sorted through. Mostly papers. Boxes and boxes of papers. And, of course, her online presence needs to be sorted through and dealt with, too. She didn't have a whole lot going on in cyberspace, and I could probably let it go and not close her accounts. But... I like to tie up loose ends, and you never know when you're going to find something interesting.

I just came across her Pinterest login. I had completely forgotten she was even on Pinterest. And, she barely was. She followed two people (including me), and had four followers. And one sole pin. It made me happy to find it, and to think of how much her that pin is. She loved colorful, psychedelic patterns (old hippie that she was!).

So, I'm happy to find something new from my mom, and happy to spend an evening not only clearing things that have been sitting around for ages, but also happy to be making my place nicer. I'm not usually one to use the word "nesting" but, it feels like I'm nesting. I'm finally settling in. Oh - and happy to be ready to deal with my mom's stuff. That's huge!

I'm listening to Alanis Morissette's Under Rug Swept album as I go. It's gotten me through a lot of rough times, and always makes me feel better.

My Happiness Project Day 19: I Am the Architect of My Life

 I found this bookmark today while looking thorough one of my mother's old yoga books. It was a nice reminder, at just the right time: You are the architect of your life. Simple but true, and so good to remember!
It's easy to fall into thinking that things just happen to us; that we have no control over our circumstances. And... sometimes that it true. Stuff happens. But we do have a say in how we react to what happens, and that can make all the difference in the world.

The funny thing about finding this bookmark is that I don't remember pulling the book out of a box to look at it. I was going through some of my mother's papers, and the next thing I knew, the book was on my desk. I'm sure I absentmindedly pulled it out with a whole bunch of papers, but still. It was cool to just see it laying there, and then to find the bookmark. It does feel like a message from beyond. Thanks mom!

More Treasures From Another (Even Older) Time

I just found my grandfather's railroad passes from 1943 and 1944. They were in a billfold type thing that has his photograph attached, and the railroad rules printed on the inside. The rules read like a contract (I had to take out a magnifying glass to read them), and he had to sign on the dotted line.
Serious stuff.

Folded up behind the passes was a train schedule. I thought the ads were more interesting than the schedule on the other side, so that's what I scanned.

This schedule was good for January 1944, for New York to Mt. Kisco, Bedford Hills and Katonah.
 
It's nice that you can still get a room and a bath for $2.50. (What... No HBO?)

The "New York's Suburbs" ad reminds me of Back to the Future for some reason.

Interesting that only one ad even mentions telephone numbers.

Yes, this was a very long time ago. Another world, really. My grandfather was born in 1896. He was 47 when my mother was born - which incidentally is the age that I am now.

Treasures From Another Time

My mother passed away three weeks ago, and I've had the task and honor of sorting through her things. It's been everything you might imagine; heart-wrenching, tedious, a lot of work, and... it's definitely been an adventure.

There was an awful lot of stuff. We lived in a two-bedroom apartment, but somehow she was still able to pack years and years and years of stuff into her two bedroom closets, many drawers, cabinets... anywhere she could fit it.

Most of it I was able to sort through and give away easily; decades of clothes, for instance. But every once in awhile I come across a treasure. Clues to who my mother was before I came around. Tonight I found this beat up old, plaid, zipper coin purse. It was filled with papers from the early 60s (I was born in 1966). I'm sure these were things that really didn't mean much to her - probably just an old purse she never got around to cleaning out. But to me... well these are wondrous things from a time gone by.

There is a Certificate of Vaccination for a dog - Musty - that I don't remember. But I do remember my mom talking about her; Musty was pregnant while mom was pregnant with me. They'd take midnight walks in the summer in New York City after the heat of the day. She said that no one would bother a pregnant woman with a pregnant dog.
Musty, according to the certificate, was vaccinated for distemper, leptospirosis, and infections hepatitis. Huh.

One of my favorite items is my mom's Cabaret and Public Dance Hall Employee's Identification Card (on top of the pile with her picture looking a bit like a mug shot). On the back side of the card it shows that she was a 22 year old waitress, and that her "assumed name" was Marina Milwaukee. How fun is THAT?!


There were some pawn tickets (she got $3 for a toaster), a rent receipt ($82.00!!), a few business cards for bars and restaurants ("Have you been there...your friends have" was one slogan), and a 1967 calendar from White Tower. Very cool stuff. Oh - and there was also some things of my grandfather - some business cards, and it looks like my mother's license to sell real estate at her father's office.

I also found this really cool sketch of two women at a cafe of some sort, looking super cool with their dark glasses (which of course reminds me of Andy Warhol). The sketch is signed "Peter '65".

Who is this Peter? And who are the women? I suspect it could be my mom's friend Iris on the left, and my mom on the right. But who knows?

A mystery to solve...