I woke up this morning with a serious knowing that I have to make some changes in my life. I had the distinct feeling that it was time to recreate myself. To change the direction of my story.
Don't get me wrong - in many ways things are going better than they have in ages. But... that can be challenging. That means that I can actually see where I want to go (which is good), but it also means that I see the distance left to traverse. I can see a glimmer of hope, but I can't quite grasp it. Sometimes I even know the things I need to do, just not how to do them.
That was were I was at when I got out of bed.
I sat with my coffee and wrote about my dissatisfaction in my morning pages. I made a list of eleven things I need to do to move forward - many of them things I need to do every damn day. Daunting, to say the least.
Then I decided to pop in a dvd while I unpacked a box of art supplies. It was a documentary, and I knew nothing about it. I saw it at the library one day, it's called "Who Does She Think She Is?" On the back cover it said "A compelling documentary film on women artists... explores the barriers to the creative process and how art ultimately transforms women's lives and those around them."
I'm a woman, I'm an artist. I picked it up.
It's due back tomorrow, so I thought I'd watch it for a bit while I unwrapped a shipment of canvases. I really thought I'd turn it off after ten minutes.
But I didn't. And in fact, somehow it changed everything up for me. (By the way, I know I'm late to the table on this one - the movie is from 2008. Why did I never hear about this before?!)
The documentary profiled five women who were creating their art while raising kids. They're not not necessarily successful (by traditional definitions), but they're doing it. They're doing it because they have to. Because they can't not do it. They do it knowing that the art world is sexist and that art created by women is not received with the same respect of art that is created by men. But they still do it. They squeeze it in - an hour here, an hour there. They do it even though sometimes their marriages crumbled. Art to them is not a hobby, it's a passion.
And that, is inspiring.
In the end, my head was buzzing with ideas. Classes I want to teach, classes I want to take, creative ideas. Art projects. And, ways to make some of those changes that were on the list of eleven things. Instead of looking for ways to motivate myself, I am now inspired to make the changes. And that makes all the difference. And that makes me happy.