Day 93, 100 Happy Days: Inspiration

I woke up this morning with a serious knowing that I have to make some changes in my life. I had the distinct feeling that it was time to recreate myself. To change the direction of my story.
Don't get me wrong - in many ways things are going better than they have in ages. But... that can be challenging. That means that I can actually see where I want to go (which is good), but it also means that I see the distance left to traverse. I can see a glimmer of hope, but I can't quite grasp it. Sometimes I even know the things I need to do, just not how to do them.
That was were I was at when I got out of bed.

I sat with my coffee and wrote about my dissatisfaction in my morning pages. I made a list of eleven things I need to do to move forward - many of them things I need to do every damn day. Daunting, to say the least.

Then I decided to pop in a dvd while I unpacked a box of art supplies. It was a documentary, and I knew nothing about it. I saw it at the library one day, it's called "Who Does She Think She Is?" On the back cover it said "A compelling documentary film on women artists... explores the barriers to the creative process and how art ultimately transforms women's lives and those around them."
I'm a woman, I'm an artist. I picked it up.
It's due back tomorrow, so I thought I'd watch it for a bit while I unwrapped a shipment of canvases. I really thought I'd turn it off after ten minutes.

But I didn't. And in fact, somehow it changed everything up for me. (By the way, I know I'm late to the table on this one - the movie is from 2008. Why did I never hear about this before?!)

The documentary profiled five women who were creating their art while raising kids. They're not not necessarily successful (by traditional definitions), but they're doing it. They're doing it because they have to. Because they can't not do it. They do it knowing that the art world is sexist and that art created by women is not received with the same respect of art that is created by men. But they still do it. They squeeze it in - an hour here, an hour there. They do it even though sometimes their marriages crumbled. Art to them is not a hobby, it's a passion.
And that, is inspiring.

In the end, my head was buzzing with ideas. Classes I want to teach, classes I want to take, creative ideas. Art projects. And, ways to make some of those changes that were on the list of eleven things. Instead of looking for ways to motivate myself, I am now inspired to make the changes. And that makes all the difference. And that makes me happy.

Day 85, 100 Happy Days: Self Accpetance

Reminder notes: old school style.

My name is Tabetha and I am a weirdo. Yes, it's true.
(I believe that most of us think we're weirdos. And, perhaps we are.)

Today, I decided to embrace my weirdness. And I'm not talking about the cool weird stuff. I'm not talking any off-beat, counter-culture, against the grain, artist type of weird stuff. I'm not talking the "let your freak flag fly" kind of weird stuff.

I'm talking about the fact that I seem to need a crazy amount of down time. I'm talking about the fact that although I really do love people, I mostly just want to be alone. Sometimes I don't even want to be around animals when I'm pet sitting. Sometimes I need complete quiet and I can't even bear to listen to (gasp!) music.

But then, as much as I love to be alone... I also want a relationship. (Weirdo!) I believe this is the reason for my crazy number of canceled dates in the past two months. I'm sending mixed messages to the universe: I want a relationship... I want to be left alone! Stop go stop go.

In any case, it's who I am, or at least a part of who I am, and I've got to embrace it. Beating myself up about it and trying to be someone I'm not hasn't worked so well for me in the past.

So, I'm accepting my highly sensitive, weirdly extroverted-introverted self.

Oh by the way, the picture really has little to do with self acceptance. Except that I had a perfectly good iPhone right next to me with no less than four perfectly good apps where I could have stored the information I wrote on my hand, or put it on a list or made a reminder... but I went old school tech. Because that's the way I wanted to do it.

Day 42, 100 Happy Days: Living Life Fully

"Elemental Bass" Oil on Canvas ©Tabetha Hastings

So... this is one of those days where I'm not exactly at liberty to say precisely what made me the most happy.  (In case you haven't noticed, I like to say a lot here without revealing too much).

I could write about some other things that made me happy today, but they're all things that make me happy so often that I'm sure you, dear reader, are tired of hearing about them (painting, Paint Club, etc).

Instead I'll just say that I feel like I am living my life fully, and that makes me so happy! Had you asked me at other times in my life if I were living my life fully, I might have said yes. But at this moment in my life, it feels really full - in a great way. And, of course, it can always get fuller. I don't believe there is a capacity limit to how full one's life can be lived. The only limits are time and energy.

ps - In looking for a picture for this blog post, I was reminded of another time in my life were I was living my life to the absolute max. I was just post-divorce and happier than I'd been in my life.
The painting pictured above was created during that time, and it screams wild, fun energy to me. And a live lived fully.

Happiness Project Day 80: A Note From Beyond - Advice From My Mom

An unexpected note from my mom.

If you read yesterday's post, you know that I spent last night sorting through some of my mom's stuff, and settling more into my apartment, and really, into my new life. (After losing my mom in August of last year.)

In the process I found three important things:

1) My mom's Om ring. Fits my finger perfectly, and I plan on wearing it just like I've been wearing my sister's prayer wheel ring for the last 18 years.

2) A bracelet with my mom's name "Linda" inscribed on the front, and on the back "Danny 12/25/63".
(A year ago she told me how Danny was the love of her life. Danny was not my father, and the bracelet was received three years before I arrived in the world.)
I can't help but think that the bracelet must have meant a lot to her at some point. So, I'm wearing that, too.

3) Most importantly, I found a notebook with journal entries - notes - to me. She wrote it several years ago, and it was clearly to be read after her death. She starts out with:

"Every so often, I start thinking about my mortality... and you." 

She talks about things she wishes she would have done better, and also what she wants for me.

..."Most of all I want you to find happiness, to feel good about yourself, and enjoy every moment of life. I wish you love - in the highest form, always."

And she offered some really great advice:

..."Don't spend too much time looking back. Enjoy the present moment - get into the moment (that is Nirvana, Samadhi - true Cosmic Consciousnesses) and live it. No time for sadness."

My mom's om ring next to my sister's prayer wheel ring.

I actually think I'm doing a pretty good job of living her advice. It makes me feel like I'm on the right track. There are several pages of notes that she wrote over the course of a few days. She offered advice (in the form of "if I had it to do all over again") on health, which I'm taking to heart. But that's another blog entry entirely.

For now, my point is this: I found the jewelry and read my mom's notes right before bed last night. It was highly emotional to read, but I read it with more joy than sadness.
I woke up this morning happy and content; fully rested and ready for my day after 5 hours of sleep. My head was clear and I felt peace of mind. Upon awakening I had - and still have - my mom's jewelry on as a reminder of her, and her wonderful words to me. These are words to live by, and this is my happiness for today.

Happiness Project Day 76: My Unimaginable and Authentic Life

Wow, I can't believe I'm 3/4 of the way through this thing -  76 days is a long time for me to stick to anything!

This morning I was walking a dog and enjoying the beautiful spring air, and it struck me how lucky I was to be strolling along at 10am, smelling the blooming trees. Don't get me wrong, dog walking is not always a walk in the park (har-har). I have to pick up after the dog, and I've gotten in the middle of dog fights, and walking isn't so nice in the elements.
But today, it was beautiful.

"Into the Mystic" ©Tabetha Hastings

Then, this afternoon I helped a woman find her soul again through painting. Her youngest kid just left home, and now she's taking painting lessons to get back to herself. And I get to help.
We're working on a version of my "Into the Mystic" painting.


These are my jobs. And yes, there is a bunch of stuff that I complain about - like bookwork and marketing and the perils of being a self-employed artist; but this is the life that I chose. This is my dream. Tomorrow I'll do some computer work, and then I'll be in my studio, painting away. (Anyone want to buy a painting...?)

Ten years ago I couldn't have imagined this life.  It makes me excited to see what the next ten years bring.

My Happiness Project Day 40: Love and Happiness

"Big Love" ©Tabetha Hastings

Evolution. 
I've heard that it happens in an instant. I know this to be true with my own personal evolution. I can be exposed to ideas and mull them over for a long time. I can understand them on an intellectual level, but when I really get that idea, to believe and embody it... personal change can happen in an instant. It can be a small change within me (or you), or as big as to call it an awakening, or a rebirth.

Mine is big, folks. It's a big love awakening.
And here it is: Today, I am in love.

No no... it's not with another person, or even with myself. Or maybe you could say that I'm in love with all people including myself. Yes, I know this sounds hippy-dippy new-agey and I really don't care. (How could I care, when I'm in love?)

Prior to my new way of thinking, if I felt like this, I would have said that I'm in love with life. But what I realized this morning is that "in love" is not something you feel for another person or thing (like life) outside of yourself. "In love" is a state of being. It may or may not be activated by another person or thing, but in the end, it's all you, baby.

Since being in love is a state, one can "fall" in or out at any time. But falling is so dramatic, isn't it? We don't "fall" into happiness. We get happy. We find things to "make us" happy, but really we find things to activate the happiness within us. It's always there, just like love. We have only to tap into it. Which is what I've been doing with this happiness project; changing my focus to find things that will cause me to tap into that happiness stream. And now I know that I can also change my focus to tap into the "in love" stream too. And really, love and happiness is the same vibration, right?

The Power of Music, Facebook, and Celebrating Life.

Today is my 47th birthday.
I lost my mom two weeks ago today. I am completely heartbroken and I can tell you with absolute certainty that I do not want to celebrate. What I want to do is stay in bed all day long. Sleep. Cry. Wallow. Repeat.

But that's not what my mom would want me to do. I'm alive, and she would want me to celebrate life.

The Power of Facebook
Think what you will about it, you can't deny that Facebook can be a powerful platform. A community, even. I feel very supported by my Facebook community (most of who I know in person). I was reluctant to log on today and see all those birthday wishes. I'd rather ignore the fact that it's my birthday; this is the beginning of my first year on this planet without the person who brought me here. Living in a world without my mother just doesn't seem right.

I nearly took my birthday off of my profile so that it wouldn't send reminders, but I figured that might bum me out, too. So I left it, and the well wishes poured in. Some of them make me cry, but it's good to know I'm supported.

One of my Facebook friends (who I've never met) posted this to my wall:

"You are alive, so take your life and enjoy it. You were born with the right to be happy, to love and to share your love." - don Miguel Ruiz

It was exactly what I needed to see.  This is what my mother wants for me, I'm quite sure of it. So, difficult as it may be right now, it's what I'm going to strive for.

The Power of Music
Also on my page this morning, a video from Playing for Change: Three Little Birds.
We talk about the transformative power of music, and indeed, music is powerful. I have a friend who says that Elton John saved his life. How many times has music gotten you through?

Three Little Birds is one of the songs that has gotten me through, and saved my day on more than one occasion, if not my life.
Although I'm a big fan of Playing For Change, I'm posting the Bob Marley version here because I like it so much better. And because my mom loved Bob Marley.



So, what am I doing to celebrate life on my 47th birthday? I'm going to Lakeside Amusement Park. And I'm going to ride the roller coaster as the sun goes down, and I'm going to scream, and I'm going to feel alive.  And I'm going to honor my mother by living instead of wallowing.

45 New Things: Shaking It Up

Lanterns at PF Changs

A few weeks ago I wrote about my 45 in 45 list: 45 new things to try in my 45th year. Well it seems like I'm busting out new things every week these days, and sometimes several times a week!

None of these things are earth shattering wild and crazy  "new" things, but they are out of my normal routine. Most of them have to do with food and drink, but hopefully I'll be able to branch out into more adventuresome new things soon.

Still, I've had a really good time shaking things up a bit. Not just because I'm doing new things, but by doing them I get to see more of my friends. Yay friends!

Here are the new things I've done so far:
(At least the one's I've remembered to write down...)

1. Had dinner at Sweet Ginger in Cherry Creek
2. I took a Shamanic Journey
3. Drinks at the Front Porch
4. Karaoke at Benders
5. Lunch at Five Guys Burgers and Fries
6. Drinks and jazz at Jazz at Jacks
7. Dinner at Annie's on Colfax
8. Pretended to be married with kids to get away from a crystal salesman at the Taste of Colorado. That was definitely a new experience!
   
9. Went to Oktoberfest - fun!
   
10. Took a Fresh City Life class at DPL - made little terrariums.
    
11. Happy Hour with Duggio - divine!
    
12. Tried the sweet potato fries at Smash Burger instead of the regular Smash Fries - that was a mistake. But at least I tried, eh? 
13. Wings at Madison Street - delish!
    
14. Went to a student produced play at CSU - it rocked!
15. Appetizers at Bar Louie - yummy McYum-yum!
16. Dinner at PF Changs - the lettuce wraps were every bit as good as I'd heard!
17. Had a drink at the Elephant Bar... some sort of raspberry lemon delish martini
18. Tea at Wystone's in Belmar
19. Karaoke at Ogden Street South (which is now my favorite karaoke bar...which are words I never thought I'd say...)
20. Sang my first hard rock song at a karaoke bar: Cult of Personality. That was a lot of fun, but I must say that my 45 year old neck did not like me banging my head like I did when I was 23 and the song first came out! But I do still LOVE this song! Here's the video - thankfully it's Living Colour's version, not mine... :)

Edit: I never finished blogging about the 45 new things, but I definitely completed them. My life spun out at a crazy pace and I ended up in NYC in the spring of 2012, which took care of an awful lot of the 45 new things.
On that list included trying Japanese ice cream (not a fan), Polish food, going to my first cathedral (SO amazing!), visiting SOHO galleries, spending a day in the city on my own... so many more things. Stories for another time. 

45 in 45

I turned 45 in last month. Shocking. I'm not sure where the last ten years went, and worse yet, people older than me says that time will only speed up!! Yikes, I'd better get busy.

This year I've decided to do 45 new things in my 45th year. Yes, that is a lot, I'm well aware. But I've always been kind of a "tried and true" girl. I go to the same restaurants and order the same dishes. I rarely venture out and do new things; I think its because I hate to be disappointed. Yeah yeah, I know that no one likes to be disappointed. But I seem to avoid it like the plague. So I figure it's about time to risk disappointment and shake things up.

I'm still working on my 45 in 45 list, and am open to suggestions. Please make them things that will NOT have a good chance causing death (I'm damn sure not going to jump out of an airplane!), are very affordable (unless you're buying...lol) and are in the Denver area, or a quick road-trip away (again, if someone wants to buy me a plane ticket...). These can be as easy as trying a new restaurant or a new dish. This is NOT a bucket list, or about conquering fears (although those may overlap). This is just about doing NEW things.

So far here is what I have on my list of possibilities (in no particular order):

  1. High speed go carts
  2. Snow Sculpture Championships in Breckenridge
  3. LaCross or soccer game (spectator)
  4. Snowmobiling
  5. Go to a wine tasting
  6. Volunteer at a shelter
  7. Teach Children's Hospital kids to paint
  8. Go to a parade
  9. Visit a museum that I haven't visited
  10. Horse-drawn carriage
  11. Ride on a Harley
  12. Colorado winery tour
  13. Hay ride
  14. Needle felting class
  15. Read a book of poetry
  16. Visit a wildlife sanctuary
  17. Singing bowl - or gong healing
  18. DPL Fresh City Life class  Done!
  19. Participate in a flash mob
  20. WWF
  21. Vegas
  22. Cirque show
  23. tattoo
  24. Sing at Dazzle friday lunch
  25. Go to a show at Lannie's Clocktower
  26. Check out that hotdog place on Colfax
  27. Oktoberfest Done!

  28. Sleigh ride
  29. Corn maze
  30. Parade of Homes
  31. Give blood
  32. Coors brewery tour
  33. Cave of the Winds
  34. Butterfly Pavillion
  35. Aquarium
  36. Denver Mint tour
  37. Visit a wildlife sanctuary
  38. Chamberlin Observatory 
  39. ???

New things that I have done so far in my 45th year:

1. Dinner at Sweet Ginger
2. Took a Shamanic Journey
3. Drinks at the Front Porch
4. Karaoke at Benders
5. Lunch at Five Guys Burgers and Fries
6. Drinks at Jazz at Jacks
7. Dinner at Annie's  
8. Pretended to be married with kids to get away from a crystal salesman
9. Went to Oktoberfest
10. Took a Fresh City Life class at DPL
11. Happy Hour with Duggio
12. Tried the sweet potato fries at Smash Burger instead of the regular Smash Fries - that was a mistake. But at least I tried, eh?